Easter Madness

You know how you're always ill when it's a bank holiday? Just cos all the doctors are closed you go and get a a raging sore throat and temperature, or cystitus or whatever.

And of course this one was a double bank hol, so Mavis decided to really go to town. I went over on Easter saturday for our usual lunch - microwave spinach and ricotta canelloni, but with a huge selection of Easter Eggs - and there she is in just her knickers, doing the vaccuuming, like its completely normal. Turns out she's been putting shake n' vac in the tropical fish tank too cos they're all DEAD, even her fave orange Nemo fish.

I wasn't too phazed at first cos if you remember she was quite strange over Christmas too, talking to people who weren't there and stuff. But her bro Phill died at Christmas years ago so it's a bit of a trigger for her (I never met him) and when I called the Mental Health Crisis Team they told me to ring back only if she threatened to harm herself or others, or wanted to come in HERSELF and talk to them. I got quite annoyed at the time cos I reckoned they should of come out anyway, but thinking about it later I suppose it makes sense - even if you're mental you're still a person and its not right for doctors to come out and just TAKE YOU AWAY if you're not actually hurting anyone, thats what they did in the old days of course and look what happened there! Lots of people locked away and shoved in ice baths and getting their brains fried with electric. Nice. Not.

So I persuaded Mavis to put some clothes on (she's got a tattoo on her boob! I never knew that) and she was back microwaving stuff like there was no tommorrow. I decided not to mention the fish. While she was "cooking" I figured I could move the tank - it's only a small one - to out the back where she wouldn't see it: my plan was - get some new fish when the shops open.

BIG MISTAKE.

Mavis came back in, saw the fish tank was gone IMMEDIATELY. She wanted to know where I'd taken it and why. I tried to explain she'd accidentally killed the fish but she was having none of it. She reckoned I killed them! She said some really horrible things to me, like I was always trying to kill the fish and it was my fault all the cats kept coming in the garden. It was really upsetting. Anyway she ended up throwing me out of the house and the spinach and ricotta canneloni after me, which woulda been quite funny if the bloody stuff hadn't splashed on my arm and it was still hot and IT REALLY HURT.

So I'm crying by this point and Mavis is in her house still yelling at me to get away from the front door. The neighbours are all out by this point cos loads of em are having BBQs and some of them are being real idiots, laughing at her, which makes me yell at them, so I look crazy as well! There was one nice woman - she must be new on the road cos I'd never seen her before - and she said she'd talk to Mavis and see if she could calm her down while I call the Crisis Team. I'm just about to and my mobile rings and it's TONE - I answer and he's like, "Why are you crying, I'm coming round to Mavis' right now" and suddenly he's there and a mental health nurse and a social worker and ALL SORTS and all these people are staring at poor Mavis who's now out on the lawn and SHRIEKING about her dead fish and waving a mop around like it's a light saber.

Anyway to cut a long story short, Mavis consented to treatment and went off with the Crisis Team. They're not keeping her in forever or anything like that, it's voluntary, they reckon she should be back in a few days. I told them she didn't mean to burn me with the canneloni.

Tone was really nice though, a real gent. He took me back to my flat so I could change my canneloni spattered clothes and didn't even try it on anything. Then he took me out to a few bars so I could drown my sorrows. Woke up with him of course on Easter Sunday, but I didn't freak out, it felt right somehow. So that was something - shitty weekend otherwise!!!

Hope yours was better! Happy Tuesday x

SQUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I've gone and done it! Not *that*, urgh, dirty boy LOLOLOL... I've got a new place to live! I'm not with Mavis anymore! GLORY! Gotta love Mavis, she's like my Mum and that, but you gotta admit she's so barking she could turn into a greyhound and nobody would notice (eh? Does that even make sense? Apple doesn't fall far from the tree! hahaha). Except that really doesn't make sense cos me and her are not related. DOUBLE LOL! Treble?? Who cares.

Anyway, where was I?? The new place! Tis truly fab. It's a little studio and smelt like cat piss of course and had porno in the bathroom, but now it is a LOVE PALACE. Or will be, when I find someone worth taking back to it! Wing found it in the paper late Friday night, told me about it when we were watching the fireworks on the common when we were supposed to be at work. Tone was so mad! Turned my phone off. Went to work last night and he was like, "Where were you over the weekend?" I reply breezily, "Flat hunting." His face!

Anyway the years of watching How Clean Is Your House? paid off cos Wing and I blitzed the joint with white vinegar and a bit of lemon. Worked really well! Then I got some white paint and gave the place a bit of a touch up. We went to Wilko and got some cushions and some of those lights in the shape of flowers you can drape over stuff... And Mavis made me some curtains.

It's a bit expensive for what it is (I can see some public toilets from my window on the left, niiiice!) and the downside is I definitely CAN'T just jack work in now with rent to pay, but then I wasn't going to let Tone drive me out, I'll leave when I'm good and ready thanks! Moved in for real yesterday afternoon, it's mint.

I know I've been a bit rude on here about her but I've loved my time with Mavis, though. She's so caring - when she's not worried about the Apocalypse or that guy off Top Gear who will APPARENTLY KILL US ALL. And no, I'm not even talking about that big annoying one that shoots his mouth off or the one that crashes all the time, but the one with the bad grey hair that builds real houses out of Lego. WTF? But then Mavis has never liked Lego. She still regales people at the Christmas gathering she has every year (read: me, a boyfriend, a few biddies from the WI) with the time her brother Phill swallowed a piece of Lego one Chrimbo and she and him and her Mam spent FOURTEEN HOURS in A & E. Must've made a big impression, she was only about 6 and poor Phill went and died in a car accident when he was 17. Sad.

Happy Tuesday! Come over to my place for a virtual drink, I'm raising a glass to ya!

I hate Mondays

...Fuck it. Maybe I shouldn't write that. Because that's the problem. Yeah yeah I know I'm a tit, etc but let me just finish alrite?? Alrite? Then I shall begin (always wanted to say that!).

So anyway. Tone's been real wierd with me all week - on thursday last week he even bought me some FLOWERS. They said, "I will always love you." Yeah I know dead soppy and I had to stop myself from bursting into it, Witney-style. But kinda sweet too. But then Wing Hun reminded me Tone's a wanker, that's why we split in the first place (actually still pretty mad with Wing too, though can you split with your friends? And what if they've got your Princess Laya gold bikini?! We'd have to go to court or something over it, no way am I losing that one, sat on eBay for hours bidding against some Geek Freak for it!!!).

Friday night comes and goes and most of the weekend is a blur of general boredom (apart from one half-naked guy at the club, he wasn't one of the punters, he was a random Security ended up rugby tackling before he could come in) and then Monday. I hate Mondays. Always so depressing somehow and there's always this guy who turns up on a monday, regular as clockwork, 7pm til 10pm, looks like a rat and smells like BO. ICK. Anyway I'm going off the point again.

I do my shift, the place is pretty dead and Tone lets Wing and the other girl Cerise go home early (only ever 3 girls in on a Monday). He says I have to stay cos, get this, "I'm the choice meat". Mmmm, yum, ta. Really impressive. He's being dead tedious (my big word of the week) probably because he's DRUNK so I figure I might as well help myself to the bar too since he's never going to notice. Gotta get your perks where you can, right?

Anyway I get more and more drunk and Rat Boy finally leaves and I'm thinking, we should close up. Only it's not half ten yet, which is usually the time Tone gives up on a Monday. He says, "Another half hour... Another half hour..." And I'm watching MTV and drinking more voddy and somehow time appears to have SLOWED DOWN. And somewhere in this time, Tone's talking to me and somehow he's seeming less and less like a twat and...

... You're right. I slept with Tone. In the office, on the floor! Classy. Woke up this morning under a coat and feeling like utter shite. And turns out Tone's only gone and taken the battery out of the clock. COCK. So he'd planned it all night. He was well pleased with himself, looked like the frigging Cheshire cat. This morning it was like we'd got back together or something, I mean what the hell?? Talk about loving yourself! "Oh I slept with you, you're mine?" HELLO!!!

What's quite interesting about this however is I'm not like devastated or anything though. I mean I'm pissed off obviously, but I'm not GUTTED. Which kinda says it all - I must have been more over him than I thought. Anyway, for anyone wondering I poured an old glass of water in his face and walked out and took a very long bath! Bastard. Shame he's so good in the sack though, I am SO WEAK!

Can only get better, right? Happy Tuesday!

Sinking In

Sorry about last week... Had no idea NOT blogging or looking at Facebook/Twitter/whatever would get you all worried. Thats one really nice bowt this social network stuff actually, the fact I've suddenly got friends even if I've never met most of you. Wish I'd discovered it years ago, or it was available when I was in care, maybe I'd of not felt so cut off? Tone was always going on about internet being for losers (and he should know, he watches enough porn on it) so I didn't think to look until recently. Just as well he doesn't know about blogs and wouldn't touch Facebook with a bargepole, LOL.

Anyways... it wasn't life/death stuff, lets put it that way. Just felt bit rubbish really, you know how it gets, especially when you go and do something stupid! I got sick of waiting for Wing to call me back, so I went out instead, should of written a blog instead and staid in with Mavis. She was making my fave, Spinach and Ricotta Cannelloni (well, heating it up in the microwave!). But I knew best so I got my gladrags on and I drank half a bottle of voddy and went to some dodgy pub up near the common. On the hunt and lookin for prey.

I was so absolutely certain getting off with enough fella would do me some good! Such an idiot. But anyway, he wasn't hard to find, some student type, looked a bit desperate, Neil I think his name was. Quite good looking, bit posh, probably hadn't got much as a teen, so reckoned I was like all his Christmasses come at once. Not that I'm that well-good looking or anything, I'm not vain, but when you're a girl and don't look like the total back end of a bus, it's not that difficult to find fellas to go with you, is it?? All you have to do is ask, LOL.

So anyway I went home with him and it was peferctly okay tho not life-shattering, but then it never is when you do it with em for the first time, at least if you're female I reckon. I figured I'd wake up and Tone would be magically out my system but somehow I felt even WORSE. What's that all about?? Neil asks me if he can see me again and I say "yes" but I gave him the wrong number. Felt a bit guilty but then what can you do, I didn't want to see him again and I didn't want to have to explain.

Whats even worse was Tone was at Mavis place when I got back, reckoned he was bringing some of my stuff round. He was really cold, looked at me like I was nothing - we had five years together! I guess I wanted him to say, "I made a mistake" but he didn't and then he was gone and Mavis is saying to me, "Why didn't you tell me about all this?" She'd just assumed we were having a row as usual, not actual split. And I start crying and I just can't stop.

Whoa, what a depressing blog post. But I feel better now. Honest. Went to the cinema with Wing to watch that new Resident Evil which was fun and tho I couldn't really bear being around Tone too much last week - I was worried he could see what I'd done, somehow - he DID put me in Window 2 and included me this time when he bought a round of drinks for all the girls Friday night, which was bumper.

How's your week been?

DRAMA!!!

So anyway last week I got in trouble with the police and thought that was the worst it could get (at least in ONE week anyway) but I WAS SO WRONG.

Went back to Tone's after I legged it from my place and everything was fine... for maybe 24 hours. I forgot what a pigsty his place is and what a pig he is. In fact thats mean to pigs. I'm sure pigs don't leave mouldy cups and plates and full ashtrays everywhere and BLOODY GLASS BONGS lying on the floor, dimwit bloody tit.

ANYWAY. I'm picking my way across this unbelievable DUMP and trying actually to clean the place up and I stand on his precious bloody bong he brought back from India when he went out to find himself when he was twenty one (or some shit). It's made of glass and I'm wearing heels, so wham - went straight through it. I never liked it anyway - Tone is so boring when he's out of it - AND the dam think cut my heel cos my shoes are strappy.

So... There's actual BLOOD, I'm hopping around swearing, he comes in and actually says, "what have you done, you dappy bitch?"

DAPPY BITCH. I just saw red cos that is total out of order cos it was HIS FAULT. I call him a wanker and immature and whatever, it all just WHOOOOOSHES out and before I know it we've been arguing for four hours... I've literally coughed it all up! How he never appreciates me, how he's a pig, how he's inconsiderate, how he takes advantage, even how he's a sad old lech for going out with me in the first place! [He always says he's thirty nine but we ALL KNOW he's way older than that!!!] Then I start making fun of him, telling him what all the girls at the club say about him and probably I shouldn't have done that, but I'm just SO SICK of him never giving a toss how *I* feel...

... And anyway, to cut a long story short he chucked me out on the street. At about 1am!!! I tried Wing's but she was out and Mavis was bloody away (she's back now though), so I ended up walking round Leyton all night with two black binliners. There were a few cafes open and a launderette but can you BELIEVE IT! Typical Tone. I eventually went to Wing's and she put me up til Sunday which was when Mavis came back.

Of course he tries to get out of it, saying he reckoned I'd go to Wing's and how was he sposed to know she'd be out... but why would you chuck someone out on the street in the middle of the night??? I'm sick of him, he's gone too far this time... Especially since he got well nasty when he realised I wasn't budging: he only goes and says he'd sack me if I didn't get into work on Friday night, Wing too! So I ended up going - I needed the money! - and he puts me in WINDOW 6, which is for the new girls... I've been at the club for YEARS. And he wouldn't let me in the VIP room to talk up any of the punters for tips.

At the end of the night he says, "I hope you've learned your lesson" -- like I would just say, "Oh OK" and go back with him NOW. So I just walked out on him... You should have seen his face! Saturday night too, I came in, went to Window 6, not a complaint, totally blanked him. I could see his vains like BULGING, he was that mad. Last night (Monday) he was trying to make me jealous going on at the Polish girls and laughing too loud if you know what I mean, looking over at me every five minutes. Loser.

So that was my week. Happy Tuesday -- can't be any worse cannit??

Landlord, Police, Action

Short one today as I'm in-between crisissess (spelling??): the Landlord came round yesterday and started fffin and blindin at me about the state of the flat which is well harsh cos it was a dump when I moved in!!! But apparently theres a been a slow leak from the boiler which I didn't notice cos of the SHEER AMOUNT OF CRAP I crammed into the boiler cupboard.

Most of my stuff there is ruined now but apparently thats not enough for the landlord - he wants to charge me for the boiler too! I told him to sod rite off, besides which I don't even have any money anyway - but apparently I've violated clause 42 or something of my tenancy agreement which says I have to notify him of things going wrong in the flat or I'm liable! I told him the boilers so bloody ancient it's a miracle it hasn't killed me of carbon monoixde poisoning and then he's REALLY be in trouble and up for manslawter (womanslawter!!!) but he was having none of it and said I was a skank and then I might have given him a little smack in the face and then he called police and then I got picked up and taken down the station!!!

And I missed work and Tone got miffed and left no less than 18 messages on my phone but my phone was turned off cos it was in the police evidence locker when I was being questioned and even tho I got released without charge in the end, police came looking for me AGAIN cos Tone reported me MISSING! Apparently I am a "vulnerable person" or some shit cos of me being in care when I was a kid, which is why they checked on me even tho I'm over bloody 18! Then I called Tone and he had a massive go at me and then I started crying and said I'd had a shitty day cos of the landlord... He says he'll beat the landlord up so I have to persuede him NOT to do that... So Tone ends up coming over, picking me and my (undamaged) stuff up, then we trashed my flat to really show him. Now I'm at Tone's. Until I get myself sorted in a new place at least.

What's your week been like, then? Happy Tuesday!

Bestival Bits & Bobs

OKKKKKKKK was gonna do a full run-down but TBH I got too mashed to remember EVERYTHING (I'm sorry OK! LOLOLOLOL). So here's the bits that do stick out:

- Takin SEVEN HOURS to get in and needin a wee like mad for at least 4 of em and Tone tellin me I shld keep off his Special Brew

- Guys in car in front in the Q kept jumping out and leaping across the car bonnet Starsky & Hutch style and switching who was driving (at about 2mph!)

- Pink bestival bands - bloke in Q in front of me: "I'm enjoying the pinkness of these wristbands, they're awesome" (yes he was already mashed goin in, LOL)

- A kid with flowers in her hair comes up to me when I'm drinking beer listening to Scroobious Pip on Friday, our conversation went like this...

KID: Hi. My name's River.

ME: That's a well-cool name.

KID: Yeah, my mum's a hippie.

ME: Did she tell you not to talk to strangers, too?

KID: Yeah. But you look alright.

Thanks!!! hahahahahaha - noticed she didn't talk to Tone tho!

- Bloke in next door tent didn't stop talking ALL NIGHT Friday!!! And was up at 6am!! And asked me for a frigging light for his fag!

- Met Lucy V and her well-cool family! And I was sick on Hub! (Only a little bit - LOL)

- Saw The Gruffalo. It was pure awesome sauce. Go and see it!

- Someone set off a bloody air raid siren Saturday night! Maybe. Or it could've been a dream

- Got well sketchy when I saw loads of witches and Shreks and even someone dressed as a wasp

- Sang ALL NIGHT LONG with some blokes in their pants (they were on stage tho)

- Saw Mr Tumble in the crowd at Madness, he gave me a hug! I LOVE HIM

- Bought some FAIRY WINGS!

- Lost Tone for 4 hours, saw that cook-bloke from River Cottage Hugh Fernly-Wittings signing books but I didn't have a book but he signed my arm! Awesome

- Chilled out to Mr Scruff but his little cartoons on his screens well freaked me out

- Tone brought the radios from the club, had many weird convos with mad peeps on the same channel, including this one:

GIRL ON RADIO: Hello, Ruby? Come in Ruby.

ME: That's me. What do you want? Over.

GIRL ON THE RADIO: Where the hell have you been? Over.

ME: Around and about. What can I get ya? Ooops... Over.

GIRL ON THE RADIO: I've been looking all day for you! Over.

ME: Sorry. Over.

GIRL ON THE RADIO: Meet you by the circus tent, the baby wants you.

ME: Um, I don't have a baby. I think I'm the wrong Ruby. Over.

GIRL ON THE RADIO: Ruby, stop screwing around! I think he's hungry. Over.

ME: Seriously, I haven't got a baby. Try another Ruby. Over.

GIRL ON THE RADIO: I'm going to kill you when I find you. OVER.

So if you're Ruby and you went off for a bit without your baby, SORRY! I made it 1000 times worse when you returned, LOLOLOLOL

- Finally, dropped my NEW Crackberry down the eco toilets. It's now a CRAPberry... BOOM BOOM

Had a well-wicked time, what did you get up to this weekend?

Carnation, Lily, Lily, Rose, Mavis?

Generally, I find shopping for birthday presents a real chore. Usually I find something really pretty for myself and end up buying it instead. LOL.

So you can imagine I was well chuffed when I stumbled across a print of my favourite painting – Carnation, Lily, Lily, Rose by John Singer Sargent. My usual reaction would be to buy it for myself, but I already have two prints and thought that it would make a perfect birthday present for Mavis as I’m always telling her about it and she seems to think it sounds lovely. So I buy this print from the flea market that I kinda walked in to (I had to tell Tone that the things you buy there don’t actually have fleas – LOL) and wrapped it up ready for her birthday.

I was so excited about giving it to her as I thought she’d love it. Mavis had other ideas though. Man, you should have seen her face!!!
She proper freaked out and ran (and I mean ran) and hid from it in the cupboard under her stairs. That’s the cupboard where she hides when anyone rings the doorbell after 3pm or if there happens to be thunder and lightning.
I had to bite my lip so I didn’t laugh at her.

Once she’d calmed down and I’d moved the print outside she told me that ‘the Chinese lanterns that glow give off bad omens and have a negative quality about them’ Course they do Mavis, course they do.

I asked Mavis what she wanted instead and her incredible reply was ‘CHRISTMAS PUDDING PLEASE’ Luckily, the Christmas shop at Selfridges opens next Monday so I should be able to sort her out. (YES, I KNOW THAT’S 145 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS. THEY’RE MENTAL!)

In other news it’s ONLY 3 DAYS til me and Tone go to Bestival which I can’t freaaakiing wait for.
And a note for the TFL people – STOP MESSING WITH THE TUBES. IT’S DOING MY HEAD IN.

KthanksBye. LOL.

Stoned

Hahahahahahaha no I'm not like that thangyewverymuch, I'm a nice girl. I'm off to see a BAND called "Stoned" tonight... they're a Rolling Stones cover band and they're headed up by my good mate Si. He has the hips Mick Jagger WISHES he still had, LOLOLOL.

In other news, I'm off to the awesomeness Camp Bestival in JUST ELEVEN DAYS -- can't wait!!! Tricky is there and he is total wickedness on a stick. Not bad looking, either. There's also that cook guy off the telly that's always going on about chickens and those insect people from the phone ad. You know the ones (!!). There's loadsa other stuff too.

I'm just really looking forward to getting out of LONDON -- can't remember last time I set foot out the Capital, feels like YEARS. Probably was!!! In fact, I think the furthest I got was last year's Reading fest!!! Camp Bestival is at a castle and it looks really cool... Tone is even coming with me! He got his cuz Alan to look after the club and everything. Reckon we're gonna have an ace time.

Love & Marriage

I'm an old fashioned girl. I guess my life has been so up and down, I have to be - else I'd go raving mad. When I was in care and hiding my stuff in plastic bags in the toilet sisterns to stop Minging Michelle from getting em I'd think about the perfect life I'd have when I grew up. A big white wedding, obv. Maybe a dog or cat at first, perhaps two years later we'd have our first baby. Followed by a second? Maybe. (I don't really fancy the stretchmarks and leaky boobs). I'd be a housewife though I always thought that was a stupid job title - married to a house?? He would be something clever like a teacher or lawyer or whatever and when he came home at night our kid would be like, "Daddy!" and he'd pick him up and swing him round. I even had a name picked out - Daniel. I did think about Mick cos I love The Stones so much but even I am not cruel enough to land a little baby with a name that sounds like he should be a builder, LOL.

So anyway the point of all this. Tone and I had a Saturday night off, just the two of us. That hardly EVER happens in our jobs and the last saturday we had off was a disaster (a very huge bust up in Oxford Street ended with him running off with my handbag and leaving me stranded; yes he's an arse but I was also pissed out of my tiny mind and shreeking like a banshee, so 50/50... alright, 60/40). Anyway, anyway: I was well looking forward to THIS saturday, I figured we would go out or something. Earlier in the week I ask where Tone wants to go and he says we're staying in, he's got something special planned. I was uber-pleased, I hadn't even had to ask him or ANYTHING and technically the football is still on isn't it, so I had figured Tone might want to watch that instead. So I make sure I got something nice to wear - you know what I mean - and wait for Saturday night.

So you can guess what a disappointment it was to find out Tone's BIG SURPRISE was a Wii Fit thing. He gets some geezer to deliver it to the flat - knockoff probably - and brings it in, like TA-DA, Saturday evening. He even says he got it FOR ME cos I'm getting a bit tubby round the thighs. CHARMING. When I say I never wanted a bloody computer game, he says, "It's not a computer game, IT'S A LIFESTYLE CHOICE."

OK I should probably have stopped there but he's already told me I"m fat and now he's saying I'm thick or something, so I totally lose it. I start going off on one, saying he never takes me seriously and I helped him build up his business, maybe I should just leave -- in fact maybe I should just leave HIM, he's never gonna give me what I want?? Then says, well what do you want? And I say I wanna get married and have babies and not slide up and down a frigging pole all day. Tone gets well mad and says my job pays well and I don't even slide up and down a frigging pole, it's FRIGGING PEEP SHOW and it's his business and he's proud of it and if I'm so embarrassed by him and the club I SHOULD just leave.

And so now I'm at Mavis'.

Happy Tuesday (sigh).

Welcome To My Blog...

... Anybody out there?

Tumbleweed....

Hellooooooo?

More tumbleweed...

Hi, I'm Nicola - except all my friends call me Ruby. 'Cos my surname is Tuesday. YES IT IS MY REAL SURNAME. People have *way* weirder ones, seriously.

Um, a little about myself... I'm 22, I'm a dancer... Yes, *that* type of dancer, but I'm gonna get out of soon. Just as soon as I figure out how to make some money. Doing other things. Like writing and filmmaking. In the meantime I gotta shake that booty, LOL.

So, who're you?