Sinking In

Sorry about last week... Had no idea NOT blogging or looking at Facebook/Twitter/whatever would get you all worried. Thats one really nice bowt this social network stuff actually, the fact I've suddenly got friends even if I've never met most of you. Wish I'd discovered it years ago, or it was available when I was in care, maybe I'd of not felt so cut off? Tone was always going on about internet being for losers (and he should know, he watches enough porn on it) so I didn't think to look until recently. Just as well he doesn't know about blogs and wouldn't touch Facebook with a bargepole, LOL.

Anyways... it wasn't life/death stuff, lets put it that way. Just felt bit rubbish really, you know how it gets, especially when you go and do something stupid! I got sick of waiting for Wing to call me back, so I went out instead, should of written a blog instead and staid in with Mavis. She was making my fave, Spinach and Ricotta Cannelloni (well, heating it up in the microwave!). But I knew best so I got my gladrags on and I drank half a bottle of voddy and went to some dodgy pub up near the common. On the hunt and lookin for prey.

I was so absolutely certain getting off with enough fella would do me some good! Such an idiot. But anyway, he wasn't hard to find, some student type, looked a bit desperate, Neil I think his name was. Quite good looking, bit posh, probably hadn't got much as a teen, so reckoned I was like all his Christmasses come at once. Not that I'm that well-good looking or anything, I'm not vain, but when you're a girl and don't look like the total back end of a bus, it's not that difficult to find fellas to go with you, is it?? All you have to do is ask, LOL.

So anyway I went home with him and it was peferctly okay tho not life-shattering, but then it never is when you do it with em for the first time, at least if you're female I reckon. I figured I'd wake up and Tone would be magically out my system but somehow I felt even WORSE. What's that all about?? Neil asks me if he can see me again and I say "yes" but I gave him the wrong number. Felt a bit guilty but then what can you do, I didn't want to see him again and I didn't want to have to explain.

Whats even worse was Tone was at Mavis place when I got back, reckoned he was bringing some of my stuff round. He was really cold, looked at me like I was nothing - we had five years together! I guess I wanted him to say, "I made a mistake" but he didn't and then he was gone and Mavis is saying to me, "Why didn't you tell me about all this?" She'd just assumed we were having a row as usual, not actual split. And I start crying and I just can't stop.

Whoa, what a depressing blog post. But I feel better now. Honest. Went to the cinema with Wing to watch that new Resident Evil which was fun and tho I couldn't really bear being around Tone too much last week - I was worried he could see what I'd done, somehow - he DID put me in Window 2 and included me this time when he bought a round of drinks for all the girls Friday night, which was bumper.

How's your week been?

Landlord, Police, Action

Short one today as I'm in-between crisissess (spelling??): the Landlord came round yesterday and started fffin and blindin at me about the state of the flat which is well harsh cos it was a dump when I moved in!!! But apparently theres a been a slow leak from the boiler which I didn't notice cos of the SHEER AMOUNT OF CRAP I crammed into the boiler cupboard.

Most of my stuff there is ruined now but apparently thats not enough for the landlord - he wants to charge me for the boiler too! I told him to sod rite off, besides which I don't even have any money anyway - but apparently I've violated clause 42 or something of my tenancy agreement which says I have to notify him of things going wrong in the flat or I'm liable! I told him the boilers so bloody ancient it's a miracle it hasn't killed me of carbon monoixde poisoning and then he's REALLY be in trouble and up for manslawter (womanslawter!!!) but he was having none of it and said I was a skank and then I might have given him a little smack in the face and then he called police and then I got picked up and taken down the station!!!

And I missed work and Tone got miffed and left no less than 18 messages on my phone but my phone was turned off cos it was in the police evidence locker when I was being questioned and even tho I got released without charge in the end, police came looking for me AGAIN cos Tone reported me MISSING! Apparently I am a "vulnerable person" or some shit cos of me being in care when I was a kid, which is why they checked on me even tho I'm over bloody 18! Then I called Tone and he had a massive go at me and then I started crying and said I'd had a shitty day cos of the landlord... He says he'll beat the landlord up so I have to persuede him NOT to do that... So Tone ends up coming over, picking me and my (undamaged) stuff up, then we trashed my flat to really show him. Now I'm at Tone's. Until I get myself sorted in a new place at least.

What's your week been like, then? Happy Tuesday!

Love & Marriage

I'm an old fashioned girl. I guess my life has been so up and down, I have to be - else I'd go raving mad. When I was in care and hiding my stuff in plastic bags in the toilet sisterns to stop Minging Michelle from getting em I'd think about the perfect life I'd have when I grew up. A big white wedding, obv. Maybe a dog or cat at first, perhaps two years later we'd have our first baby. Followed by a second? Maybe. (I don't really fancy the stretchmarks and leaky boobs). I'd be a housewife though I always thought that was a stupid job title - married to a house?? He would be something clever like a teacher or lawyer or whatever and when he came home at night our kid would be like, "Daddy!" and he'd pick him up and swing him round. I even had a name picked out - Daniel. I did think about Mick cos I love The Stones so much but even I am not cruel enough to land a little baby with a name that sounds like he should be a builder, LOL.

So anyway the point of all this. Tone and I had a Saturday night off, just the two of us. That hardly EVER happens in our jobs and the last saturday we had off was a disaster (a very huge bust up in Oxford Street ended with him running off with my handbag and leaving me stranded; yes he's an arse but I was also pissed out of my tiny mind and shreeking like a banshee, so 50/50... alright, 60/40). Anyway, anyway: I was well looking forward to THIS saturday, I figured we would go out or something. Earlier in the week I ask where Tone wants to go and he says we're staying in, he's got something special planned. I was uber-pleased, I hadn't even had to ask him or ANYTHING and technically the football is still on isn't it, so I had figured Tone might want to watch that instead. So I make sure I got something nice to wear - you know what I mean - and wait for Saturday night.

So you can guess what a disappointment it was to find out Tone's BIG SURPRISE was a Wii Fit thing. He gets some geezer to deliver it to the flat - knockoff probably - and brings it in, like TA-DA, Saturday evening. He even says he got it FOR ME cos I'm getting a bit tubby round the thighs. CHARMING. When I say I never wanted a bloody computer game, he says, "It's not a computer game, IT'S A LIFESTYLE CHOICE."

OK I should probably have stopped there but he's already told me I"m fat and now he's saying I'm thick or something, so I totally lose it. I start going off on one, saying he never takes me seriously and I helped him build up his business, maybe I should just leave -- in fact maybe I should just leave HIM, he's never gonna give me what I want?? Then says, well what do you want? And I say I wanna get married and have babies and not slide up and down a frigging pole all day. Tone gets well mad and says my job pays well and I don't even slide up and down a frigging pole, it's FRIGGING PEEP SHOW and it's his business and he's proud of it and if I'm so embarrassed by him and the club I SHOULD just leave.

And so now I'm at Mavis'.

Happy Tuesday (sigh).

Trying to be creative and writery.

So I’ve been trying to think of some ideas for writing an entry for the Red Planet Prize. Whenever I think of the Red Planet Prize I think of Mars Planets and then I think of Mars bars in general and then I sit and stare at the blank page dreaming of chocolate. This writing business will make me fat!

I should try harder to be serious. Maybe I should channel my past a bit and talk about being in care. I sure as hell have enough to say on that.

For the most part, my past is blurry. I don’t like to talk about what happened too much, but my dad died when I was 5. He took one swig too many from the whiskey bottle and I ended up in care. I don’t blame him though, life dealt him a bad hand, and he loved me to the moon and back. I spent a lot of time wondering ‘Why me?’ Life changed after that, I spent time flitting between children’s homes and a couple of foster families. I don’t remember much from the homes, but certain things stick out. I remember the garish clowns and cartoons painted on the walls, I remember that my bedroom was bright yellow in one home, and I remember hiding the hair clips that my dad had bought for me on a day trip to the seaside, so that no one would steal them.

The homes weren’t bad places, they just lacked continuity for me and I never felt as though I fitted in. I stayed with one foster family (Beryl and Eric) but ended up back at the home after only a couple of weeks. I never found out why I had to move back. I stayed with another foster family after that. I stayed for a bit longer but again ended up back at the home. I didn’t get on with their other daughter. I remember hearing something about her being jealous of me. I don’t think anyone’s ever been jealous of me since.

But that’s when Mavis saved me. She was definitely a little less loopy when she took me in. Still, even then she did things in her own unique way. She has a strange aversion to wax crayons that meant I never got to use them at home. She also never made me sandwiches for school, but instead liked to make me cakes and bowls of fruit. I very quickly got moved onto hot dinners by my teachers! As far as I’m concerned though, Mavis is the mother figure in my life, and I like to think I get my ditzy side from her.