Nothing To Report

Sun is shining, life is great, Tone is great, everything's great!

Even Mavis is only scoring 3-4 on the Wierd-O-Meter (that's out of ten, normally I'd say she was a 5-6). Me and Tone went round hers Sunday dinnertime and she ACTUALLY COOKED. That's rite... not warm up something in the microwave! She hadn't used the oven in so long it went all smoky and odd and we ended up getting Chinese anyway but she did try and thats what counts!

Tone is talking about going to Camp Bestival again but I think I'd like to steer clear of everywhere we went *before* if you know what I mean. Make some new memories in new places. I'd like to go to some little place near a beach thats dead quiet and read books and eat seafood. I told Tone this sure he'd be like, "What are you nuts" but he actually said "Why not?" OK so he's not OOBER-KEEN (sp??) or anything but I can hardly blame him, I'd probably not of been six months ago and he's trying too. I have a vague memory of going to Devon with my Dad when he was still alive yeeeeeeeeeeeears ago when I was a little girl, maybe we could try that?

Hope your great too. Happy Tuesday!

Home

Mavis is home! Me and Tone picked her up day before yesterday. She kept called tone Dermot for some reason, but otherwise shes back to her normal self (and when I say normal, OK I mean wierd, but wierd-normal, not WIERDWIERDWIERD like the other week!).

Tone has been well good about it all. We went over to her house before we went to get her and cleaned up, made sure all the bad stuff was gone... there was spinach and ricotta cannelloni on the hall carpet that WOULD NOT COME OUT so we went to the factory shop in town and got this well nice new rug to cover it up, it has a giant daisy in the middle. Mavis saw it and started crying! So sweet.

We got her a new fish tank as well full of Nemos and Dorys and even this underwater snail thing, it's so cool, I know someone who would approve!!! We named him George. Mavis wasn't quite as keen, said he kept looking at her funny but I told her to keep him under watch and if he starts anything I'll be round to pick him up. I can always put him in a tank back at mine.

Before she got back we had a little clear out of all the uber poisonous stuff just in case like the shake n' vac (obv) and replaced them with those natural cleaning products like white vinegar and stuff, it was Tone's idea, hes so responsible now. Mavis was only in the hospital five minutes but managed to come back with one of those french knitting needle things like these, she's making loads of giant wool sausages. She reckons shes going to make a cardigan but I don't really see how cos it just goes on and on and on and on but whatever makes her happy.

Tone dropped a bit of a bombshell last night! Reckons I should move back in to his, says I been at his four nights out of seven anyway.... Hes got a point but at the same time I've really liked having my own place and I dunno if I want to give that up yet, even for him. And I said that to him, thats how far we've moved on... I wondered if he'd go ballistic about it or start whining at me saying I can't love him or stuff like that, but he didn't! He said whenever I felt ready was cool with him. Hes like a different guy, he really is.

Anyway... suppose I better go to work, I'm on lates! There's some stag do on which always means great tips, tho TBH I can do without the lechy blokes. Still need a new job! But then some things never change... LOL.

Happy Tuesday!

x

Easter Madness

You know how you're always ill when it's a bank holiday? Just cos all the doctors are closed you go and get a a raging sore throat and temperature, or cystitus or whatever.

And of course this one was a double bank hol, so Mavis decided to really go to town. I went over on Easter saturday for our usual lunch - microwave spinach and ricotta canelloni, but with a huge selection of Easter Eggs - and there she is in just her knickers, doing the vaccuuming, like its completely normal. Turns out she's been putting shake n' vac in the tropical fish tank too cos they're all DEAD, even her fave orange Nemo fish.

I wasn't too phazed at first cos if you remember she was quite strange over Christmas too, talking to people who weren't there and stuff. But her bro Phill died at Christmas years ago so it's a bit of a trigger for her (I never met him) and when I called the Mental Health Crisis Team they told me to ring back only if she threatened to harm herself or others, or wanted to come in HERSELF and talk to them. I got quite annoyed at the time cos I reckoned they should of come out anyway, but thinking about it later I suppose it makes sense - even if you're mental you're still a person and its not right for doctors to come out and just TAKE YOU AWAY if you're not actually hurting anyone, thats what they did in the old days of course and look what happened there! Lots of people locked away and shoved in ice baths and getting their brains fried with electric. Nice. Not.

So I persuaded Mavis to put some clothes on (she's got a tattoo on her boob! I never knew that) and she was back microwaving stuff like there was no tommorrow. I decided not to mention the fish. While she was "cooking" I figured I could move the tank - it's only a small one - to out the back where she wouldn't see it: my plan was - get some new fish when the shops open.

BIG MISTAKE.

Mavis came back in, saw the fish tank was gone IMMEDIATELY. She wanted to know where I'd taken it and why. I tried to explain she'd accidentally killed the fish but she was having none of it. She reckoned I killed them! She said some really horrible things to me, like I was always trying to kill the fish and it was my fault all the cats kept coming in the garden. It was really upsetting. Anyway she ended up throwing me out of the house and the spinach and ricotta canneloni after me, which woulda been quite funny if the bloody stuff hadn't splashed on my arm and it was still hot and IT REALLY HURT.

So I'm crying by this point and Mavis is in her house still yelling at me to get away from the front door. The neighbours are all out by this point cos loads of em are having BBQs and some of them are being real idiots, laughing at her, which makes me yell at them, so I look crazy as well! There was one nice woman - she must be new on the road cos I'd never seen her before - and she said she'd talk to Mavis and see if she could calm her down while I call the Crisis Team. I'm just about to and my mobile rings and it's TONE - I answer and he's like, "Why are you crying, I'm coming round to Mavis' right now" and suddenly he's there and a mental health nurse and a social worker and ALL SORTS and all these people are staring at poor Mavis who's now out on the lawn and SHRIEKING about her dead fish and waving a mop around like it's a light saber.

Anyway to cut a long story short, Mavis consented to treatment and went off with the Crisis Team. They're not keeping her in forever or anything like that, it's voluntary, they reckon she should be back in a few days. I told them she didn't mean to burn me with the canneloni.

Tone was really nice though, a real gent. He took me back to my flat so I could change my canneloni spattered clothes and didn't even try it on anything. Then he took me out to a few bars so I could drown my sorrows. Woke up with him of course on Easter Sunday, but I didn't freak out, it felt right somehow. So that was something - shitty weekend otherwise!!!

Hope yours was better! Happy Tuesday x

I know I should have known better.

The inevitable happened. I know you were all thinking it. And I guess in the back of my mind I was thinking it as well. I suppose I was trying to ignore it or suppress it, or whatever really. I was kidding myself when I thought nothing would ever happen with Tone again. Yes, that’s right, I slept with him. Yes, yes, I can hear the shouting and capital letter Tweets already, but you know what? I don’t really regret it. I didn’t feel bad, or good, or guilty or over the moon, I just felt (and feel) fine about it.

It happened like it ALWAYS happens whether it’s with one night stands, exs on the rebound or in the movies: We had a great night out, we went out for a few more cheeky drinks afterwards and then one thing led to another and ‘we went upstairs for coffee’ By that point I don’t know what he was thinking, but he knows for a fact that I don’t drink coffee very much and I’ve never known Tone to drink coffee after 4pm – that time is dedicated purely to alcohol. And to be honest, after 7 mojitos, who wants coffee?! So it happened, and when I woke up in bed next to him in the morning I realised just how much I’d missed sleeping alone for the past few months. He got up and went and got take out breakfasts from the greasy spoon over the road, and brought me 2 litres of water and some painkillers and left them by my bedside table. What a gent eh?!

I’m not making any sudden bolting moves to get back together with him, I just really enjoyed my night and will keep that in mind with things with Tone in the future.

Let the abuse begin… LOL!

In other news, Mavis is OBSESSED by the impending Royal Wedding. I nipped round earlier and she has three, yes, THREE (!) cushions with their faces on. Oh dear….

Clean Out

So, since I'm old now I figured I better get my life in order. Because to be frank, it was totally fecked. Financially I mean. Well actually every which way, really. And not in a GOOD way!!!

When I was with Tone he took care of everything money-wise. Probably cos hes well dodgy. He was always going on about tax losses and not putting stuff thru the books but to be honest I never really had a clue what he was on about and didn't care. Mavis, despite being mental, actually is strangely obsessed with money. Every day, several times a day, she gets one of those mini statements from the cash machine and she has this big calculator where she tots everything up constantly. Even doing the weekly shop she'll take it with her, checking everything she puts in the basket adds up to her benefit money. Dunno why she bothers really cos she buys the same things every week, you'd think she'd know how much it comes to by now, but hey ho.

So, yeah: I never had to deal with money. Until the last few weeks.

Funny how stuff creeps up on you. I "get" obvious stuff like food and rent, obvs - besides anything my landlord Mr Spitani (real name!) sounds like hes in the mafia or something, so I always make sure I have it for him in cash when he comes round, haha. He has this small dog that's not even remotely threatening - think its a a chiwawa (spelling??) or something - yet somehow still manages to creep me out, especially cos Mr Spit's always kissing it. Eeeurgh. The dog's got this glint in his eye: "Give the guy his money... bitch." Or maybe I'm imagining it. LOL

And obviously I know you buy stuff, money comes out your account - and that credit cards and store cards aren't REALLY free money. But its so HARD not to buy stuff you want that'll cheer you up, especially when you've had a shit day. And I've been having a lot of shit days recently. WHOOPS.

But the ones that really got me - BLOODY UTILITIES! Did you know those bills come quarterly? Cos I didn't. I got a gas bill and leccy bill on the same day just after Chrimbo and just recently I got a water bill... followed by a sewage bill!!! FFS. I reckon I must owe these companies three trillion pounds. Alright, probably near on £500 (it was a cold winter, alright!). But I haven't got bloody £500. ARGH. Probably shouldn't have let them go red either, LOL. Mavis had been muttering something about payment books and direct debits and what not when I moved into the flat but then she mutters a lot about random stuff. Yes, yes, I should've listened. Sigh.

So there goes my writing course... had saved up £70 towards doing something, but I guess I better call up my companies and offer them a chunk each instead, "good will" Mavis says. Mavis says they work out payment plans with you and stuff, so I guess I'll have to do that. Have cut up my store cards and credit card too. Did you know APR on some cards is as high as 39%??? I didn't even know what APR was!!! I'm such an idiot.

Happy non-debt Tuesday!

Happy New Year!

OMG WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE! Lost my phone over christmas - yes I'm a menace when it comes to phones I know - but as it goes it didn't matter anyhoo cos I only went and bloody forgot all my logins to everything! I STILL haven't got into my email either, so if you sent me any emails in last four or five weeks I'm SO SORRY, I can't read em! Better to tweet me or Facebook me, TBH. Such a scatterbrain as Mavis says - charming, hey! And coming from her, too! Cheek.

Christmas was interesting. As you may recall I got bloody Tone for secret Santa at work. Well, anyway I decided upon the Hollyoaks calendar for him. You should have seen his face when he opened it – hahahaha. The excitement when he saw some fit topless girls, but then the devastation when he saw inside that I’d cut out ALL OF THE BOOBS!! LOL.

But the bastard got his own back on me by putting me in Window 4 all week and forcing me to wear a Santa bikini. It has fur trim and everything. I wouldn’t mind it being red, but the fur and matching Santa hat really annoy me. It’s not as nice as the Santa dress the other girls get to wear. Mind you, I got lucky because the heating was on the blink and the snow meant it wasn’t very busy. Tone had to send us all home in the end.

Me and Wing decided to go to a Christmassy market. Loads of mulled wine (Gluewine or something in German – I hope it’s not actually made of Copydex or something LOL) and some of that German spicy sausage later (no jokes please) and we were loving being in the Christmas spirit. We did think about hitting the tiles, but we knew we’d probably fall over, so we went back to my flat, drank some more wine and watched Elf and Love Actually. And then went down the police station cos of my bloody lost fone - booooo!

Christmas itself was ok - it's never "good" cos Mavis' brother Phill went and died on Xmas Eve (I never knew him) so she goes a bit funny. This year she set the table for seven (it was just her and me) and was talking to people who weren't even there. I called the mental health team who said to leave her to it if she wasn't hurting herself or me or getting upset. Gotta be honest, whoever the invisible guy was at the table must have been BRILLIANT at telling jokes or something, cos Mavis was laughing her head off. It kind of made me smile and made me sad at the same time.

After Christmas though she was more of her normal self - well as normal as she gets... She still had me going on cat patrol around her damn garden, lol. Haven't seen her for a couple of days, got a text today saying simply BRING CREME EGGS. So that's me sorted this evening, then - got the night off. Better not forget the creme eggs!

Happy New Year Tuesday!

x

Please hold

Oh, hi. Not much to report this week. New flat still awesome and Mavis took me for Sunday lunch on well... Sunday. Unfortunately at Toby's Carvery she got a bit freaked out by all the meat on the slabs, so we ended up going to Esso and getting cold pasties. Had a nice walk by a frozen duck pond though. Until we found a frozen duckling. Mavis tried to put it in her handbag to take it to the vet so we had to have a bit of a tussle. Ended up taking it back to Dollis Hill and burying it in the garden. Then next door's cat dug it up again, so now Mavis is on high alert with a saucepan and a water pistol I got her from Pound Stretcher, LOL.

Other than that, I've been working and mostly squeeeeeing like a sad fangirl over the delicious Danny Dyer. Can't believe he's in a movie that's been written by someone I sort of know via someone else I met once (Hi Lucy). AND he's my friend on Facebook now, how cool is that??? I always swore I'd never be one of *those* girls but I gotta admit, seeing people in blog and facebookland put a movie together with people I actually recognise is well-inspiring. Makes me think that one day I could write a movie, or even a movie with Danny in! How cool? Would like to see the look on Tone's face THEN, hah!

So anyway... back next week. Leave your message after the tone.... BEEEEEEEEP!

SQUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I've gone and done it! Not *that*, urgh, dirty boy LOLOLOL... I've got a new place to live! I'm not with Mavis anymore! GLORY! Gotta love Mavis, she's like my Mum and that, but you gotta admit she's so barking she could turn into a greyhound and nobody would notice (eh? Does that even make sense? Apple doesn't fall far from the tree! hahaha). Except that really doesn't make sense cos me and her are not related. DOUBLE LOL! Treble?? Who cares.

Anyway, where was I?? The new place! Tis truly fab. It's a little studio and smelt like cat piss of course and had porno in the bathroom, but now it is a LOVE PALACE. Or will be, when I find someone worth taking back to it! Wing found it in the paper late Friday night, told me about it when we were watching the fireworks on the common when we were supposed to be at work. Tone was so mad! Turned my phone off. Went to work last night and he was like, "Where were you over the weekend?" I reply breezily, "Flat hunting." His face!

Anyway the years of watching How Clean Is Your House? paid off cos Wing and I blitzed the joint with white vinegar and a bit of lemon. Worked really well! Then I got some white paint and gave the place a bit of a touch up. We went to Wilko and got some cushions and some of those lights in the shape of flowers you can drape over stuff... And Mavis made me some curtains.

It's a bit expensive for what it is (I can see some public toilets from my window on the left, niiiice!) and the downside is I definitely CAN'T just jack work in now with rent to pay, but then I wasn't going to let Tone drive me out, I'll leave when I'm good and ready thanks! Moved in for real yesterday afternoon, it's mint.

I know I've been a bit rude on here about her but I've loved my time with Mavis, though. She's so caring - when she's not worried about the Apocalypse or that guy off Top Gear who will APPARENTLY KILL US ALL. And no, I'm not even talking about that big annoying one that shoots his mouth off or the one that crashes all the time, but the one with the bad grey hair that builds real houses out of Lego. WTF? But then Mavis has never liked Lego. She still regales people at the Christmas gathering she has every year (read: me, a boyfriend, a few biddies from the WI) with the time her brother Phill swallowed a piece of Lego one Chrimbo and she and him and her Mam spent FOURTEEN HOURS in A & E. Must've made a big impression, she was only about 6 and poor Phill went and died in a car accident when he was 17. Sad.

Happy Tuesday! Come over to my place for a virtual drink, I'm raising a glass to ya!

DRAMA!!!

So anyway last week I got in trouble with the police and thought that was the worst it could get (at least in ONE week anyway) but I WAS SO WRONG.

Went back to Tone's after I legged it from my place and everything was fine... for maybe 24 hours. I forgot what a pigsty his place is and what a pig he is. In fact thats mean to pigs. I'm sure pigs don't leave mouldy cups and plates and full ashtrays everywhere and BLOODY GLASS BONGS lying on the floor, dimwit bloody tit.

ANYWAY. I'm picking my way across this unbelievable DUMP and trying actually to clean the place up and I stand on his precious bloody bong he brought back from India when he went out to find himself when he was twenty one (or some shit). It's made of glass and I'm wearing heels, so wham - went straight through it. I never liked it anyway - Tone is so boring when he's out of it - AND the dam think cut my heel cos my shoes are strappy.

So... There's actual BLOOD, I'm hopping around swearing, he comes in and actually says, "what have you done, you dappy bitch?"

DAPPY BITCH. I just saw red cos that is total out of order cos it was HIS FAULT. I call him a wanker and immature and whatever, it all just WHOOOOOSHES out and before I know it we've been arguing for four hours... I've literally coughed it all up! How he never appreciates me, how he's a pig, how he's inconsiderate, how he takes advantage, even how he's a sad old lech for going out with me in the first place! [He always says he's thirty nine but we ALL KNOW he's way older than that!!!] Then I start making fun of him, telling him what all the girls at the club say about him and probably I shouldn't have done that, but I'm just SO SICK of him never giving a toss how *I* feel...

... And anyway, to cut a long story short he chucked me out on the street. At about 1am!!! I tried Wing's but she was out and Mavis was bloody away (she's back now though), so I ended up walking round Leyton all night with two black binliners. There were a few cafes open and a launderette but can you BELIEVE IT! Typical Tone. I eventually went to Wing's and she put me up til Sunday which was when Mavis came back.

Of course he tries to get out of it, saying he reckoned I'd go to Wing's and how was he sposed to know she'd be out... but why would you chuck someone out on the street in the middle of the night??? I'm sick of him, he's gone too far this time... Especially since he got well nasty when he realised I wasn't budging: he only goes and says he'd sack me if I didn't get into work on Friday night, Wing too! So I ended up going - I needed the money! - and he puts me in WINDOW 6, which is for the new girls... I've been at the club for YEARS. And he wouldn't let me in the VIP room to talk up any of the punters for tips.

At the end of the night he says, "I hope you've learned your lesson" -- like I would just say, "Oh OK" and go back with him NOW. So I just walked out on him... You should have seen his face! Saturday night too, I came in, went to Window 6, not a complaint, totally blanked him. I could see his vains like BULGING, he was that mad. Last night (Monday) he was trying to make me jealous going on at the Polish girls and laughing too loud if you know what I mean, looking over at me every five minutes. Loser.

So that was my week. Happy Tuesday -- can't be any worse cannit??

Carnation, Lily, Lily, Rose, Mavis?

Generally, I find shopping for birthday presents a real chore. Usually I find something really pretty for myself and end up buying it instead. LOL.

So you can imagine I was well chuffed when I stumbled across a print of my favourite painting – Carnation, Lily, Lily, Rose by John Singer Sargent. My usual reaction would be to buy it for myself, but I already have two prints and thought that it would make a perfect birthday present for Mavis as I’m always telling her about it and she seems to think it sounds lovely. So I buy this print from the flea market that I kinda walked in to (I had to tell Tone that the things you buy there don’t actually have fleas – LOL) and wrapped it up ready for her birthday.

I was so excited about giving it to her as I thought she’d love it. Mavis had other ideas though. Man, you should have seen her face!!!
She proper freaked out and ran (and I mean ran) and hid from it in the cupboard under her stairs. That’s the cupboard where she hides when anyone rings the doorbell after 3pm or if there happens to be thunder and lightning.
I had to bite my lip so I didn’t laugh at her.

Once she’d calmed down and I’d moved the print outside she told me that ‘the Chinese lanterns that glow give off bad omens and have a negative quality about them’ Course they do Mavis, course they do.

I asked Mavis what she wanted instead and her incredible reply was ‘CHRISTMAS PUDDING PLEASE’ Luckily, the Christmas shop at Selfridges opens next Monday so I should be able to sort her out. (YES, I KNOW THAT’S 145 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS. THEY’RE MENTAL!)

In other news it’s ONLY 3 DAYS til me and Tone go to Bestival which I can’t freaaakiing wait for.
And a note for the TFL people – STOP MESSING WITH THE TUBES. IT’S DOING MY HEAD IN.

KthanksBye. LOL.