I know I should have known better.

The inevitable happened. I know you were all thinking it. And I guess in the back of my mind I was thinking it as well. I suppose I was trying to ignore it or suppress it, or whatever really. I was kidding myself when I thought nothing would ever happen with Tone again. Yes, that’s right, I slept with him. Yes, yes, I can hear the shouting and capital letter Tweets already, but you know what? I don’t really regret it. I didn’t feel bad, or good, or guilty or over the moon, I just felt (and feel) fine about it.

It happened like it ALWAYS happens whether it’s with one night stands, exs on the rebound or in the movies: We had a great night out, we went out for a few more cheeky drinks afterwards and then one thing led to another and ‘we went upstairs for coffee’ By that point I don’t know what he was thinking, but he knows for a fact that I don’t drink coffee very much and I’ve never known Tone to drink coffee after 4pm – that time is dedicated purely to alcohol. And to be honest, after 7 mojitos, who wants coffee?! So it happened, and when I woke up in bed next to him in the morning I realised just how much I’d missed sleeping alone for the past few months. He got up and went and got take out breakfasts from the greasy spoon over the road, and brought me 2 litres of water and some painkillers and left them by my bedside table. What a gent eh?!

I’m not making any sudden bolting moves to get back together with him, I just really enjoyed my night and will keep that in mind with things with Tone in the future.

Let the abuse begin… LOL!

In other news, Mavis is OBSESSED by the impending Royal Wedding. I nipped round earlier and she has three, yes, THREE (!) cushions with their faces on. Oh dear….

Try Hard

What a difference a week can make eh? I’ve gone from feeling disappointed that Tone didn’t seem to have changed, and feeling foolish for believing things could be good again to being a little freaked out by him!
After the drama (well, non drama really) of our meal, he obviously realised he’d been a bit of a dickhead and sat up and took note of the fact that I wasn’t interested anymore. And because of that, Tone has taken things to a whole new level. It’s a little bit cringey, but then I can’t deny that I like the attention. Find me a girl who wouldn’t love a bunch of rainbow tulips in their work locker?! I’m still having doubts about our potential as a couple. At the end of the day he has a bit of a problem when he’s snorting the white stuff, and his love for the white stuff has pretty much always outweighed his love for me. Well, I think it has.
So I’m trying to take the new level of attention with a pinch of salt, but at the same time, I may as well enjoy it right? I’m actually earning a bit more from his mood swing at the moment because I’ve been on Window 1 EVERY NIGHT since we went out for dinner. It’s still the same pay rate, but the tips are always better because Window 1 mostly gets more customers. You see the customers know that ‘the best’ girls are usually in Window 1. I did tease Tone a little bit by buying a new wig that he’d always said I should get. (A bit like that candy wig that Scarlett Johanson (sp?) wears in Lost in Translation) I hope he doesn’t take that the wrong way actually. I might not wear it every night.
I guess I feel as though I’m in limbo a little bit at the moment, but whilst there’s no one else on the scene, and Tone isn’t being pervy or too annoying, I may as well lap up the attention right?

Cold Feet

No, not the tv programme, although I kind of wish that was what I was blogging about instead. (I seem to remember that programme being pretty good actually)

But I’m on about the date I went on with Tone. And things with Tone in general.

It wasn’t disasterous or anything like that, it just didn’t feel right, you know? We kind of like, didn’t click? And if felt like a bit of a wasted effort.

After my dull week, I decided to treat myself to a new dress for the occasion and ended up going all out on a dress from Topshop that was far too expensive for what it is, but far too pretty to leave on the hanger in the shop. (Added bonus was that of the 2 sizes I tried on, the smaller one was the one that fitted. LOL!) Was a bit annoyed that whilst on my way to work the following night, I saw 3 girls wearing it, but then that’s the curse of TopShop isn’t it?

So I made a proper effort. I’d got this cute flowery tea dress and I had a nice long hot shower (did necessary hair removal – but ONLY to make me feel better about myself – NOT for what you’re all thinking) and blow dried my hair etc.

Also ended up buying a nail varnish for £8 or something obscene in TopShop but it was the perfect colour match for my dress. So I painted my fingers and toes too. I was feeling v sexy and v good about myself before I left, and I just had a little shot of vodka to calm the butterflies in my tummy.

Tone picked me up and said I looked pretty, and then asked if my dress ‘WAS ON SALE OR SOMETHING?’ because he’d seen loads of girls wearing it. Oh.

But anyway, aside from that, we were exchanging the necessary small talk on the way to the restaurant.

Tone had decided to take me somewhere new, and when we got there, they’d lost our reservation. So we had to wait 10 minutes for a table. That didn’t put Tone in the best of moods. I tried to calm him down and reassure him everything was okay, but I just was flooded with memories of his aggression and how that was the thing I had wanted to escape. When I looked him in the eye his eyes didn’t look quite right, so I reckon he might have done a cheeky line of something. I can’t be sure, and I didn’t want to ask, but that’s the Tone that I don’t want to be with.

He did calm down a bit, and conversation kind of flowed again, but I held back quite a lot and realised that wasn’t what I was there for.

I made my excuses before dessert as it just got uncomfortable. I hope Tone didn’t beat anyone up or get in trouble when I left, I could see in his eyes he was angry.

I got myself some pudding on the way home and snuggled up on the sofa in my pj’s with a romcom. Tone called a few times when I got home, but I ignored them. I really don’t think he’s right for me at the moment.

GRRRRRRRR

Feeling bloody fed up this week and still effing angry at Tone. I feel like a kid having to stay with Mavis again, and as much as I love her, her nutty behaviour is starting to irritate me a bit. She randomly brought me a cheese and ham toastie at 4 yesterday morning. That would have been brilliant if I’d just come in from work, but I’d had the night off! LOL.

I’m really grateful for having a roof over my head, don’t get me wrong, but the trek back to Dollis Hill after a night in the club is doing my head in. There are some dodgy dudes on the night buses in London – Tone never used to be happy about me taking them, and they take freaking ages because they seem to stop at every bloody stop and then some other ones that just get invented because the sun’s gone in.

The trek to work isn’t so bad in comparison with the shit that I have to put up with from Tone once I’m there. He’s being a right wanker. He finally put me on Window 2 at the weekend but then he didn’t pay me properly. He said something about having to go to the cash point and so I waited outside the front of the club for 20 minutes until he finally stumbled back (he obvs had a cheeky pint or a kebab or something) when he told me that the cash point had run out of money. So for the 3 million cash points (maybe a slight exaggeration lol) in the centre of London, not one of them had any cash? Yea yea Tone. And this is coming from a man who ALWAYS has a bundle of rolled up Benjamins in his pocket.

Wing isn’t exactly helping either. She’s been really busy with uni work apparently. But surely she could return one of my calls? I think she might have met a fella, but she won’t admit it. And it’s not like I get to chat to her at work because Tone’s had her on Window 1, which is probably to make me jealous. I thought she might have fought my corner and come to Window 5 to be next to me. Friends eh?

Still, I made myself a whole bag of potato Smilee Faces for dinner and then had a massive bar of Dairy Milk. Not much that Dairy Milk can’t solve these days!

Hope your Tuesday has been better than mine!