Trying to find a fish in that big old sea....

What is that they say at the start of the first Bridget Jones film? Like as soon as one area of your life goes well, another one falls on its arse. I should Google that or somethin but yea, I feel a bit like that at the moment. I’m loving the flat and having space to myself. It’s nice to tidy it a bit and come home knowing that it’ll still be how I left it (Tone not getting trashed ‘with mates’ or Mavis putting my magazines in the microwave lol)

But at the same time, I’ve been getting a bit lonely. I know I get a fair amount of male attention in my line of work, but it’d be nice to have a nice guy around.

Now, as a rule, I’ve found that I attract losers or meanies, so I’ve decided to give Internet dating a go! (My only experience of this is Danny Dyer, yes, Danny Dyer sending me a pm on Facebook!!!!!!)

So I had a look online to see which sites looked good, and there are thousands of the things! Surely if there are so many, it dilutes all the hotties and spreads them around? Some of them seem to have really stupid names too. I mean, e-harmony? Anyway, I managed to find some comparison sites and chose one without a stupid name, but then it takes FOREVER to sign up. I got a bit fed up after page 3 of 7. ‘Tell us more about your job in up to 250 words’ Ermmmm, it won’t take that many. Then it asked me what my style was. ‘Bohemian, Business, Classical, Cool, Ethnic, Rock, Sophisticated, Sporty, Trendy, Other.’ I mean, what do you even put for that?! I put sophisticated, because after all, I do have coffee table magazines now. Then it asked what my best feature is. My best feature? There was a box to tick that said ‘I’d rather not say’ – how kinky is that?! I ticked ‘A sweet spot not on the list’ but then I thought it would be a sure fire way to get the perves interested, so I went with eyes. Classic eh?

So now that I’ve gone through a GCSE in signing myself up to get matched with someone, I just have to sit and wait I think. At least now I know that I’m sophisticated with nice eyes!

How has your week been?

Happy Tuesday.

O.M.G

So I musta shown up on Danny Dyer's delicious radar, cos not only did I get sent a Deviation press release (me, the press!! hahaha!), I only got a FB msg off of him! Or the person who operates his his Facebook account anyway, I'm sure he's too important to respond to saddoes like me, LOL. I do like to think of him though, feet up on the desk, dictating these FB messages to some gorgeous secretary before sending her out to get him some pie and mash. (MMMMMM, my fave hinthint LOL).

So, anyway. Here's what the press release says:

King of the indies Danny Dyer will be taking on a new challenge this November in new thriller, DEVIATION.

Danny plays escaped convict FRANKIE who kidnaps a young nurse AMBER in a desperate bid to evade the authorities and flee the country.

Told in one night, DEVIATION sees Frankie hold Amber hostage in her own car, taking her on a terrifying ride through the seediest backstreets of London. Amber is played by Anna Walton, of HELLBOY 2: THE GOLDEN ARMY and THE MUTANT CHRONICLES.

DEVIATION is a tense psychological thriller in the vein of other white knuckle rides like THE HITCHER, RED EYE, PANIC ROOM and THE VANISHING.

So what attracted Dyer to the role? “Frankie is a complex guy, he’s not *just* a “psycho.”” says Danny. “He’s a tortured soul, but not one of those fellas Hollywood asks you to believe the hostage will identify with and even try and help get away. This guy is evil, but we can see why he’s ended up like this.”

DEVIATION is written and directed by JK Amalou (HARD MEN, THE MAN WHO WOULD BE QUEEN), produced by J.K., Lara Greenway (CRIKEY VILLAINS) and Michael Riley (VAMPIRE DIARY, OUTLANDERS, SUGARHOUSE, LAVA).

You can follow the movie here on Facebook, the official blog here or here via Twitter.

This is all so cool. Mega congrats to lovely ladies Lucy and Lara for being involved in all this (and thanks to Lucy for sticking me on the mailing list, know it was you really! LOL). But seriously: movies always seem so far away somehow, like other people make them, yet here they are getting stuck in. It makes me feel like I can do this too and bloody hell, I needed that reminder after the past few months I can tell you.

ROCK ON TUESDAY!

Please hold

Oh, hi. Not much to report this week. New flat still awesome and Mavis took me for Sunday lunch on well... Sunday. Unfortunately at Toby's Carvery she got a bit freaked out by all the meat on the slabs, so we ended up going to Esso and getting cold pasties. Had a nice walk by a frozen duck pond though. Until we found a frozen duckling. Mavis tried to put it in her handbag to take it to the vet so we had to have a bit of a tussle. Ended up taking it back to Dollis Hill and burying it in the garden. Then next door's cat dug it up again, so now Mavis is on high alert with a saucepan and a water pistol I got her from Pound Stretcher, LOL.

Other than that, I've been working and mostly squeeeeeing like a sad fangirl over the delicious Danny Dyer. Can't believe he's in a movie that's been written by someone I sort of know via someone else I met once (Hi Lucy). AND he's my friend on Facebook now, how cool is that??? I always swore I'd never be one of *those* girls but I gotta admit, seeing people in blog and facebookland put a movie together with people I actually recognise is well-inspiring. Makes me think that one day I could write a movie, or even a movie with Danny in! How cool? Would like to see the look on Tone's face THEN, hah!

So anyway... back next week. Leave your message after the tone.... BEEEEEEEEP!

SQUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I've gone and done it! Not *that*, urgh, dirty boy LOLOLOL... I've got a new place to live! I'm not with Mavis anymore! GLORY! Gotta love Mavis, she's like my Mum and that, but you gotta admit she's so barking she could turn into a greyhound and nobody would notice (eh? Does that even make sense? Apple doesn't fall far from the tree! hahaha). Except that really doesn't make sense cos me and her are not related. DOUBLE LOL! Treble?? Who cares.

Anyway, where was I?? The new place! Tis truly fab. It's a little studio and smelt like cat piss of course and had porno in the bathroom, but now it is a LOVE PALACE. Or will be, when I find someone worth taking back to it! Wing found it in the paper late Friday night, told me about it when we were watching the fireworks on the common when we were supposed to be at work. Tone was so mad! Turned my phone off. Went to work last night and he was like, "Where were you over the weekend?" I reply breezily, "Flat hunting." His face!

Anyway the years of watching How Clean Is Your House? paid off cos Wing and I blitzed the joint with white vinegar and a bit of lemon. Worked really well! Then I got some white paint and gave the place a bit of a touch up. We went to Wilko and got some cushions and some of those lights in the shape of flowers you can drape over stuff... And Mavis made me some curtains.

It's a bit expensive for what it is (I can see some public toilets from my window on the left, niiiice!) and the downside is I definitely CAN'T just jack work in now with rent to pay, but then I wasn't going to let Tone drive me out, I'll leave when I'm good and ready thanks! Moved in for real yesterday afternoon, it's mint.

I know I've been a bit rude on here about her but I've loved my time with Mavis, though. She's so caring - when she's not worried about the Apocalypse or that guy off Top Gear who will APPARENTLY KILL US ALL. And no, I'm not even talking about that big annoying one that shoots his mouth off or the one that crashes all the time, but the one with the bad grey hair that builds real houses out of Lego. WTF? But then Mavis has never liked Lego. She still regales people at the Christmas gathering she has every year (read: me, a boyfriend, a few biddies from the WI) with the time her brother Phill swallowed a piece of Lego one Chrimbo and she and him and her Mam spent FOURTEEN HOURS in A & E. Must've made a big impression, she was only about 6 and poor Phill went and died in a car accident when he was 17. Sad.

Happy Tuesday! Come over to my place for a virtual drink, I'm raising a glass to ya!

I hate Mondays

...Fuck it. Maybe I shouldn't write that. Because that's the problem. Yeah yeah I know I'm a tit, etc but let me just finish alrite?? Alrite? Then I shall begin (always wanted to say that!).

So anyway. Tone's been real wierd with me all week - on thursday last week he even bought me some FLOWERS. They said, "I will always love you." Yeah I know dead soppy and I had to stop myself from bursting into it, Witney-style. But kinda sweet too. But then Wing Hun reminded me Tone's a wanker, that's why we split in the first place (actually still pretty mad with Wing too, though can you split with your friends? And what if they've got your Princess Laya gold bikini?! We'd have to go to court or something over it, no way am I losing that one, sat on eBay for hours bidding against some Geek Freak for it!!!).

Friday night comes and goes and most of the weekend is a blur of general boredom (apart from one half-naked guy at the club, he wasn't one of the punters, he was a random Security ended up rugby tackling before he could come in) and then Monday. I hate Mondays. Always so depressing somehow and there's always this guy who turns up on a monday, regular as clockwork, 7pm til 10pm, looks like a rat and smells like BO. ICK. Anyway I'm going off the point again.

I do my shift, the place is pretty dead and Tone lets Wing and the other girl Cerise go home early (only ever 3 girls in on a Monday). He says I have to stay cos, get this, "I'm the choice meat". Mmmm, yum, ta. Really impressive. He's being dead tedious (my big word of the week) probably because he's DRUNK so I figure I might as well help myself to the bar too since he's never going to notice. Gotta get your perks where you can, right?

Anyway I get more and more drunk and Rat Boy finally leaves and I'm thinking, we should close up. Only it's not half ten yet, which is usually the time Tone gives up on a Monday. He says, "Another half hour... Another half hour..." And I'm watching MTV and drinking more voddy and somehow time appears to have SLOWED DOWN. And somewhere in this time, Tone's talking to me and somehow he's seeming less and less like a twat and...

... You're right. I slept with Tone. In the office, on the floor! Classy. Woke up this morning under a coat and feeling like utter shite. And turns out Tone's only gone and taken the battery out of the clock. COCK. So he'd planned it all night. He was well pleased with himself, looked like the frigging Cheshire cat. This morning it was like we'd got back together or something, I mean what the hell?? Talk about loving yourself! "Oh I slept with you, you're mine?" HELLO!!!

What's quite interesting about this however is I'm not like devastated or anything though. I mean I'm pissed off obviously, but I'm not GUTTED. Which kinda says it all - I must have been more over him than I thought. Anyway, for anyone wondering I poured an old glass of water in his face and walked out and took a very long bath! Bastard. Shame he's so good in the sack though, I am SO WEAK!

Can only get better, right? Happy Tuesday!