Being all wistful and that

Been all reflective and stuff over the past week. Was thinking about what would have happened if I was pregnant, and feeling a bit sad that I’m not. (Not like really sad, but like, having a little thing to dress up could be nice lol) Anyway, it made me think about me and Tone. It’s kind of a shame to throw it all away, we’ve been going out forever. He’s a well nice guy, but turns into a monster when he’s in the wrong crowd and doing the wrong stuff. Feel a bit like Cheryl Cole in her interview thing on Pierce Morgan. She saying that Ashley is a nice guy - no one believes her, I feel like that when I say that Tone is a nice guy. Before you all start yelling at me, don’t worry, I’m not doing anything stupid, I’m just reminissing.

I try not to think bout it too much, it’s hard talking about it, but I decided to try and talk to Mavis about it and find out what she really thinks of him/us. Turns out, having Mavis as your relationship counsellor is like asking a toddler for relationship advice. LOL First of all she couldn’t quite work out who I was talking about, because she thought Tone had been on holiday for the past month... Whattt?! I tried to remind her we'd already HAD this conversation about us splitting, but turns out when he’d popped round to see her, he’d mentioned something about going to Aintree (presumably for some big lads gambling lash up) and she thought that Aintree was in Spain. So in Mavis’s world, Tone has been off on holiday in Spain for 4 weeks and is renting out his flat, which is why I’m back with her at the moment. I tried to explain but she got a bit huffy with me saying that Tone had definitely said he was going to Aintree. Right...

Then totally out of the blue on Sunday whilst I was pigging out on Dairy Milk on the sofa, she just goes ‘SO ARE YOU THINKING OF GETTING BACK WITH TONY?’ Then we had a relatively normal conversation (she went off on a random rant about seaweed – WTF?!) which ended with her saying ‘WELL I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU WITH HIM, HE SEEMS TO HAVE YOU WRAPPED AROUND HIS LITTLE FINGER, AND HE ALWAYS CARRIES SUCH LARGE AMOUNTS OF CASH. BUT HE DOES ALWAYS REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY AND BRINGS FLOWERS. MAYBE YOU SHOULD SUGGEST HE GETS A BANK ACCOUNT?’

You’ve just gotta love her right? Maybe visiting her is better than living with her though. I’m starting to feel like the luxury of being looked after has gone, and that I want some space of my own back. Maybe I’ll start looking for a little place of my own – preferably a little nearer to work than Dollis Hill!
Happy Tuesday.

ARGHHHHHHHH!!!

I had the biggest bloody scare yesterday morning, I can’t even begin to explain just how much I was crapping my pants LOL

So the last few days I’d been feelin a bit peaky and dead emotional. (Like when I read about Courtney Cox and David Arquette splitting up, I nearly cried – I mean whattttt?!) But yea, I was feeling all emotional which I kind of put down to PMS, but then I started to munch on loads and loads of brandy snaps. I’m not sure why, but for some reason I was craving boxes of the bleedin things. I know what you’re thinking, but the switch just didn’t click in my head – I just thought I was having some mega sugar low.

Then on Sunday morning I woke up feeling queasy and I hadn’t even touched a drop of voddy or anything. (I was proud because I had had the whole weekend off and I didn’t call Wing and go into town to get trolleyed)

So that’s when the penny finally dropped. I was watching a bit of Sunday morning telly and that cute Petit Filous advert came on. ‘Awwww those little kids are cute… Wait…. Little… kids…little…. Babies…. OH…. MYYYYY…. GODDDD. *Drops the remote and the box of brandy snaps*

Luckily Mavis thought I was just getting a tad excited about fromage fraisee (sp!?) and so wasn’t too confused by me running out of the house in my trackies and flip flops to find a pharmacy.

I bought 2 tests. Those things are freaking expensive. (I had a scare a few years ago, but Tone was well nice and went to the shops for me) The lady at the counter gave me a knowing smile. She looked a bit smug, as if to say ‘MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE USED BIRTH CONTROL’ I wasn’t in the mood to retaliate, I was a tad preoccupied.

Anyway, I ran back to the house with all these thoughts racing thru my head about who the father could be. I mean, can you imagine me trying to find that Neil fella? Let alone telling him I’m up the duff.

I swear those tests take longer than 2 minutes. It was the longest two minutes of my life. Anyway, the test comes up with no mark. No positive or negative sign. WHAAAAAAA!!!! Then I started to really panic. So I did the second one, and again it felt like 3 hours had passed when my phone stopwatch beeped.

I’ve never been so happy to be negative about anything. Can you imagine me being sprogged up?! LOL. Naturally I had a couple of voddys afterwards to celebrate the fact that I’d be keeping my size 8 figure at least for the time being.

Cheery Tuesday

I’ve had a much better week so far which is good. Tone seems to be being a bit nicer to me and put me back on Window 2 at the weekend. He even paid me without having to ‘go to the cash point’ and I even got my tips packet back.

I suspect something’s up though. Don’t get me wrong like, I’m happy that he’s not making life hellish for me, but I’m suspicious. Nothing wrong with being friends though is there?

I went for a bit of a mooch around town yesterday as I was feeling a bit cheerier. I thought getting away from the club and Dollis Hill would do me good. Despite being October (which usually means that you can’t get bikinis in the nice shops) I spotted a well pretty pink bikini in the sale section of H&M. They only had my size left, so surely it was fate, right? Anyway, it was down to £8. But once I got to the till it was down to a fiver. Who else can buy their work suit for a fiver? LOL. It was nice cos I know Tone would have moaned at me that I’ve got thousands of bikinis (I actually have 12 now) so it was good to have a little shopping trip on my own. That being said he would of treated me to lunch somewhere nice afterwards. I had to make do with a sausage roll from Greggs.

My cheery mood took a bit of a beating when I went to get some food shopping at Lidl and went to pay. I’d run out of cash and only had my credit card left. It turns out they don’t take credit cards, only bleedin debit cards. So I had to leave my shopping at the check out, go back to Mavis’, borrow some reddies and then head back to Lidl. Then the checkout lady had to scan all the bloody shopping again! Argh!

So what I’ve learnt this week is that bikini shopping season is October, and that Lidl don’t accept credit cards!

What have you learnt this week?!

Sinking In

Sorry about last week... Had no idea NOT blogging or looking at Facebook/Twitter/whatever would get you all worried. Thats one really nice bowt this social network stuff actually, the fact I've suddenly got friends even if I've never met most of you. Wish I'd discovered it years ago, or it was available when I was in care, maybe I'd of not felt so cut off? Tone was always going on about internet being for losers (and he should know, he watches enough porn on it) so I didn't think to look until recently. Just as well he doesn't know about blogs and wouldn't touch Facebook with a bargepole, LOL.

Anyways... it wasn't life/death stuff, lets put it that way. Just felt bit rubbish really, you know how it gets, especially when you go and do something stupid! I got sick of waiting for Wing to call me back, so I went out instead, should of written a blog instead and staid in with Mavis. She was making my fave, Spinach and Ricotta Cannelloni (well, heating it up in the microwave!). But I knew best so I got my gladrags on and I drank half a bottle of voddy and went to some dodgy pub up near the common. On the hunt and lookin for prey.

I was so absolutely certain getting off with enough fella would do me some good! Such an idiot. But anyway, he wasn't hard to find, some student type, looked a bit desperate, Neil I think his name was. Quite good looking, bit posh, probably hadn't got much as a teen, so reckoned I was like all his Christmasses come at once. Not that I'm that well-good looking or anything, I'm not vain, but when you're a girl and don't look like the total back end of a bus, it's not that difficult to find fellas to go with you, is it?? All you have to do is ask, LOL.

So anyway I went home with him and it was peferctly okay tho not life-shattering, but then it never is when you do it with em for the first time, at least if you're female I reckon. I figured I'd wake up and Tone would be magically out my system but somehow I felt even WORSE. What's that all about?? Neil asks me if he can see me again and I say "yes" but I gave him the wrong number. Felt a bit guilty but then what can you do, I didn't want to see him again and I didn't want to have to explain.

Whats even worse was Tone was at Mavis place when I got back, reckoned he was bringing some of my stuff round. He was really cold, looked at me like I was nothing - we had five years together! I guess I wanted him to say, "I made a mistake" but he didn't and then he was gone and Mavis is saying to me, "Why didn't you tell me about all this?" She'd just assumed we were having a row as usual, not actual split. And I start crying and I just can't stop.

Whoa, what a depressing blog post. But I feel better now. Honest. Went to the cinema with Wing to watch that new Resident Evil which was fun and tho I couldn't really bear being around Tone too much last week - I was worried he could see what I'd done, somehow - he DID put me in Window 2 and included me this time when he bought a round of drinks for all the girls Friday night, which was bumper.

How's your week been?