Meh x 2

I'm okay... just meh.

Keep thinking about Tone and me. He's backed off totally - had expected him to be full-on like before, but he's cool. Well, not cool... He's perfectly nice. But it's like last week never happened... or was a dream or something. Really weird.

Work is a pain in the arse at the moment, we're run of our feet. Paprika went and left suddenly last wednesday and all her regulars are up in arms, especially this one guy, Brian who says his heart is broken! I mean WTF? a) she's just a dancing girl and b) she's made of 90% plastic anyway and has all the personality of a wet sponge. Tone asked me to try and talk her round, which I did, but TBH I probably didn't try to hard. She was always causing a ruck at work, saying the rest of us were fat and the like. I mean, it's not needed is it?!

Anyway FOOD is calling... cheese and onion pasty I think, followed by Cadbury's Dairy Milk... Only thing for days like this!

x

I know I should have known better.

The inevitable happened. I know you were all thinking it. And I guess in the back of my mind I was thinking it as well. I suppose I was trying to ignore it or suppress it, or whatever really. I was kidding myself when I thought nothing would ever happen with Tone again. Yes, that’s right, I slept with him. Yes, yes, I can hear the shouting and capital letter Tweets already, but you know what? I don’t really regret it. I didn’t feel bad, or good, or guilty or over the moon, I just felt (and feel) fine about it.

It happened like it ALWAYS happens whether it’s with one night stands, exs on the rebound or in the movies: We had a great night out, we went out for a few more cheeky drinks afterwards and then one thing led to another and ‘we went upstairs for coffee’ By that point I don’t know what he was thinking, but he knows for a fact that I don’t drink coffee very much and I’ve never known Tone to drink coffee after 4pm – that time is dedicated purely to alcohol. And to be honest, after 7 mojitos, who wants coffee?! So it happened, and when I woke up in bed next to him in the morning I realised just how much I’d missed sleeping alone for the past few months. He got up and went and got take out breakfasts from the greasy spoon over the road, and brought me 2 litres of water and some painkillers and left them by my bedside table. What a gent eh?!

I’m not making any sudden bolting moves to get back together with him, I just really enjoyed my night and will keep that in mind with things with Tone in the future.

Let the abuse begin… LOL!

In other news, Mavis is OBSESSED by the impending Royal Wedding. I nipped round earlier and she has three, yes, THREE (!) cushions with their faces on. Oh dear….

Try Hard

What a difference a week can make eh? I’ve gone from feeling disappointed that Tone didn’t seem to have changed, and feeling foolish for believing things could be good again to being a little freaked out by him!
After the drama (well, non drama really) of our meal, he obviously realised he’d been a bit of a dickhead and sat up and took note of the fact that I wasn’t interested anymore. And because of that, Tone has taken things to a whole new level. It’s a little bit cringey, but then I can’t deny that I like the attention. Find me a girl who wouldn’t love a bunch of rainbow tulips in their work locker?! I’m still having doubts about our potential as a couple. At the end of the day he has a bit of a problem when he’s snorting the white stuff, and his love for the white stuff has pretty much always outweighed his love for me. Well, I think it has.
So I’m trying to take the new level of attention with a pinch of salt, but at the same time, I may as well enjoy it right? I’m actually earning a bit more from his mood swing at the moment because I’ve been on Window 1 EVERY NIGHT since we went out for dinner. It’s still the same pay rate, but the tips are always better because Window 1 mostly gets more customers. You see the customers know that ‘the best’ girls are usually in Window 1. I did tease Tone a little bit by buying a new wig that he’d always said I should get. (A bit like that candy wig that Scarlett Johanson (sp?) wears in Lost in Translation) I hope he doesn’t take that the wrong way actually. I might not wear it every night.
I guess I feel as though I’m in limbo a little bit at the moment, but whilst there’s no one else on the scene, and Tone isn’t being pervy or too annoying, I may as well lap up the attention right?

Cold Feet

No, not the tv programme, although I kind of wish that was what I was blogging about instead. (I seem to remember that programme being pretty good actually)

But I’m on about the date I went on with Tone. And things with Tone in general.

It wasn’t disasterous or anything like that, it just didn’t feel right, you know? We kind of like, didn’t click? And if felt like a bit of a wasted effort.

After my dull week, I decided to treat myself to a new dress for the occasion and ended up going all out on a dress from Topshop that was far too expensive for what it is, but far too pretty to leave on the hanger in the shop. (Added bonus was that of the 2 sizes I tried on, the smaller one was the one that fitted. LOL!) Was a bit annoyed that whilst on my way to work the following night, I saw 3 girls wearing it, but then that’s the curse of TopShop isn’t it?

So I made a proper effort. I’d got this cute flowery tea dress and I had a nice long hot shower (did necessary hair removal – but ONLY to make me feel better about myself – NOT for what you’re all thinking) and blow dried my hair etc.

Also ended up buying a nail varnish for £8 or something obscene in TopShop but it was the perfect colour match for my dress. So I painted my fingers and toes too. I was feeling v sexy and v good about myself before I left, and I just had a little shot of vodka to calm the butterflies in my tummy.

Tone picked me up and said I looked pretty, and then asked if my dress ‘WAS ON SALE OR SOMETHING?’ because he’d seen loads of girls wearing it. Oh.

But anyway, aside from that, we were exchanging the necessary small talk on the way to the restaurant.

Tone had decided to take me somewhere new, and when we got there, they’d lost our reservation. So we had to wait 10 minutes for a table. That didn’t put Tone in the best of moods. I tried to calm him down and reassure him everything was okay, but I just was flooded with memories of his aggression and how that was the thing I had wanted to escape. When I looked him in the eye his eyes didn’t look quite right, so I reckon he might have done a cheeky line of something. I can’t be sure, and I didn’t want to ask, but that’s the Tone that I don’t want to be with.

He did calm down a bit, and conversation kind of flowed again, but I held back quite a lot and realised that wasn’t what I was there for.

I made my excuses before dessert as it just got uncomfortable. I hope Tone didn’t beat anyone up or get in trouble when I left, I could see in his eyes he was angry.

I got myself some pudding on the way home and snuggled up on the sofa in my pj’s with a romcom. Tone called a few times when I got home, but I ignored them. I really don’t think he’s right for me at the moment.

Heart vs Head

Yet again I know what you’re all going to say, but don’t think I’m not tormented enough already. Yes it involves Tone, and yes it potentially involves me seeing him outside of work. Shoot me now!

After last week when I was feeling low, this weekend didn’t bring me much more in the way of happiness. (Felt crap, had ‘girl pains’, ate loads of chocolate, watched Comic Relief, cried at the sad bits with the poor kids, ate more chocolate, and then ordered Chinese take out at stupid o’clock in the night. Oh, and then ate the leftovers for breakfast. Can I just say that I did attempt a jog on Sunday morning to make up for it, but I was out of breath by the end of the road – typical me, LOL)

ANYWAY, so I went to work yesterday morning after a crap weekend and when I went back to my locker at the end of the night there was a pink card inside (I’m presuming he’d slid it in the side – little bit freaky lol) which said ‘WOULD YOU CARE TO JOIN ME FOR DINNER ON THURSDAY NIGHT?’ TONE x’

So my heart skipped a beat a bit as I tried to work out what to do. I tried to find him at the club but for some reason I couldn’t, and I don’t have his number anymore because I deleted it. So I took the card home with me and stared at it for a while (whilst I ate another bar of Dairy Milk – it helps with decision making ok?) and tried to decide what to do.

I decided I should write him back because he wrote to me. And I finally decided to put, ‘That would be lovely. Thank you.’

Did I do the right thing? It’s just dinner. Friends have dinner all the time right? Other friends would go for dinner with me? Wouldn’t they?

Argh. Happy Tuesday.

Picnics and Peanut Butter

Ok, ok, I know what you’re all going to say, especially all you Tweeters out there, but I’ve been feeling a bit down this week. It’s been really sunny (still bloody nippy when you forget your cardy lol) and I’ve been thinking about summer and picnics and nice things to do when it’s warm, Only thing is, all of them seem bloody boring by myself. I was walking past Hyde Park (felt a bit adventurous!) and saw a couple having a carpet picnic – you know, the kind where you’re defying the fact that it’s still actually March but the sun’s out and you don’t care?! So you take extra blankets to make up for it! Anyway, I saw this couple and it reminded me of being with Tone, and how he’d always make silly frivlous (sp?) decisions like buying a bottle of £50 fizz to take to the park with sarnies from M&S. LOL. Thing is, and I know you’re all going to shout me down, especially you @Bang2write, but I do miss him quite a bit. It’s hard being alone after being with him for so long, and grabbing a Sub of the day is nowhere near as fun as boozy picnics. Might see if he wants to go for a drink sometime for a bit of a catch up, mind you, if he puts me on window 3 again this week then I’ll be taking that back!

Have a good week! Xxx

P.S. Yea, yea, I know it’s a few hours late but I was preoccupied with the tele and a jar of peanut butter – I ate the LOT with a spoon! LOL

Okkkkkkkkkkk....

... So I went on the date.

Thanks to everyone for their advice. Totally appreciated the warnings in particular... if it wasn't me I'd probably have said exact same thing... but then cos it WAS me, I'd have always wondered if I should of gone. It was a tough one! But I took Wing with me in the end, so nobody had to worry, least of all me.

And as it goes, I needn't of worried anyway cos guess what... My mystery date was Tone! Thats one guy I DO know pretty intimately, LOL. At least I thought I did... flowers and dresses and dates?? I was pretty wierded out and when I first saw him I was kind of disappointed, I never really thought it could be him. Like a whole new side to him. I almost took one look and walked out with Wing again, but something made me go over to the table even though Wing was like, "lets go". She's in a mood with me right now but she'll get over it.

So anyway: I had a meal with him and Tone was really interested in me for once and actually asking me about my life and stuff. He said he knows he sees me at work all the time but he wants to actually get to know me, for real. He even said sorry for all the shit before and all that crap with Paprika/Marika recently trying to make me jealous.

He said he's changed.

He's said that before of course... but then I've never put my foot down like I have the last six months or so. Always before we'd argue and he'd be like, "sorry" and I'd be "oh alright then" and we'd struggle on like we did before. But this time I made a break and showed him I could survive on my own and he could go stick it up his arse. He said that made him think. He said he's underestimated me and he'd never do that again.

Hmmmmmmmmm.

On the plus side, the meal was lush. I had this wierd green asparagus soup thing with an egg to start, then a steak with peppercorn sauce, then Eton Mess. Yum! I also drank a bottle and a half of wine. Well, Tone was paying and hes's flush, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Oh and by the way - just so you know: NOTHING HAPPENED. Tone didn't even try his luck. Got me a taxi after the meal and kissed me on the cheek, like a gentleman. Didn't want to come back with me, didn't go for a snog and didn't even hassle me to call him. Yesterday at work he was nice, but didn't push anything, wasn't in my face at all. I just don't know what to think - never seen this side of him. Ever.

So that was Saturday! And today's Tuesday again... lots of thinking to do. Have a good one!