Carnation, Lily, Lily, Rose, Mavis?

Generally, I find shopping for birthday presents a real chore. Usually I find something really pretty for myself and end up buying it instead. LOL.

So you can imagine I was well chuffed when I stumbled across a print of my favourite painting – Carnation, Lily, Lily, Rose by John Singer Sargent. My usual reaction would be to buy it for myself, but I already have two prints and thought that it would make a perfect birthday present for Mavis as I’m always telling her about it and she seems to think it sounds lovely. So I buy this print from the flea market that I kinda walked in to (I had to tell Tone that the things you buy there don’t actually have fleas – LOL) and wrapped it up ready for her birthday.

I was so excited about giving it to her as I thought she’d love it. Mavis had other ideas though. Man, you should have seen her face!!!
She proper freaked out and ran (and I mean ran) and hid from it in the cupboard under her stairs. That’s the cupboard where she hides when anyone rings the doorbell after 3pm or if there happens to be thunder and lightning.
I had to bite my lip so I didn’t laugh at her.

Once she’d calmed down and I’d moved the print outside she told me that ‘the Chinese lanterns that glow give off bad omens and have a negative quality about them’ Course they do Mavis, course they do.

I asked Mavis what she wanted instead and her incredible reply was ‘CHRISTMAS PUDDING PLEASE’ Luckily, the Christmas shop at Selfridges opens next Monday so I should be able to sort her out. (YES, I KNOW THAT’S 145 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS. THEY’RE MENTAL!)

In other news it’s ONLY 3 DAYS til me and Tone go to Bestival which I can’t freaaakiing wait for.
And a note for the TFL people – STOP MESSING WITH THE TUBES. IT’S DOING MY HEAD IN.

KthanksBye. LOL.

Stoned

Hahahahahahaha no I'm not like that thangyewverymuch, I'm a nice girl. I'm off to see a BAND called "Stoned" tonight... they're a Rolling Stones cover band and they're headed up by my good mate Si. He has the hips Mick Jagger WISHES he still had, LOLOLOL.

In other news, I'm off to the awesomeness Camp Bestival in JUST ELEVEN DAYS -- can't wait!!! Tricky is there and he is total wickedness on a stick. Not bad looking, either. There's also that cook guy off the telly that's always going on about chickens and those insect people from the phone ad. You know the ones (!!). There's loadsa other stuff too.

I'm just really looking forward to getting out of LONDON -- can't remember last time I set foot out the Capital, feels like YEARS. Probably was!!! In fact, I think the furthest I got was last year's Reading fest!!! Camp Bestival is at a castle and it looks really cool... Tone is even coming with me! He got his cuz Alan to look after the club and everything. Reckon we're gonna have an ace time.

Girl's Night Out

I decided to arrange a girls night last night after Tone had pissed me off so much last week. I felt a bit bad for getting so wound up at him and so thought a night out would help me let it all out and help me wind down. That had been what I was expecting from our Saturday night together anyway.

Wing is one of my mates from work. She’s a part timer and is only working for Tone to help pay her college fees. She pays through the nose to study here. She’s not even that clever I don’t think, so she’s just going to be poorer after 4 years of working in a scummy part of London.

Anyway, for some reason Wing chose Patricia as her English name which always makes me giggle. I prefer to call her Wing but her clients refer to her as Patricia.

Wing came over to mine after we’d managed to arrange the same night off. I’d fancied making a bit of an effort so I got some fizzy Lambrini (obvs the pink one) got us both some false lashies, and used my afternoon to make yummy voddy jellies.

I should have realised that eating vod-jells for dinner would lead to a very messy night. Wing came over about 6 and we started getting glammed up. We don’t bother very often because its a bit like a bus man’s holiday if ya get me, but with Tone out at work, I had no one to tell me that THAT DRESS IS TOO SEXY ON YOU – I’M NOT LETTING YOU OUT IN THAT WITHOUT ME – TOO MANY PERVES OUT THERE. TOO MANY WANDERING HANDS AND EYES IN LONDON.

It was nice and liberating to pick my fave bum skimming pink dress. I just had to ban Wing from taking her camera out.

After drinking (read: downing) 4 bottles of Lambrini and munching all of the voddy jelly, we hit the tiles.

Messy part of the night 1) started when we struggled to get let into the club with Wing’s ID. She’d put a cute wig on for the night and with all her make up ended up looking nothing like her ID picture. After fluttering our false eyelashes we were still outside and so I whispered in the bouncer’s ear that I was going out with Tone. That seemed to do the trick.

Messy part of the night 2) VodBulls were on offer – 4 for £10. So I bought 8 That would be messy enough but then managed to throw one down me. LOL.

Messiest part of the night. 3) I was propping the bar up like a trooper and guarding our drinks while Wing was in the loo. Some guy came over to me and asked me if I knew Patricia. I thought he was chatting me up so I ignored him. When he followed me I moved away until I started to get a bit freaked out. I started shouting at him and then pushed him away from me. I obvs then got thrown out which is when I realised he was on about Wing. 2 minutes later while I was still trying to find my phone, Wing was carried out by a bouncer and dumped on the floor next to me.

I don’t really remember getting home.

The hangover is chronic today.

Love & Marriage

I'm an old fashioned girl. I guess my life has been so up and down, I have to be - else I'd go raving mad. When I was in care and hiding my stuff in plastic bags in the toilet sisterns to stop Minging Michelle from getting em I'd think about the perfect life I'd have when I grew up. A big white wedding, obv. Maybe a dog or cat at first, perhaps two years later we'd have our first baby. Followed by a second? Maybe. (I don't really fancy the stretchmarks and leaky boobs). I'd be a housewife though I always thought that was a stupid job title - married to a house?? He would be something clever like a teacher or lawyer or whatever and when he came home at night our kid would be like, "Daddy!" and he'd pick him up and swing him round. I even had a name picked out - Daniel. I did think about Mick cos I love The Stones so much but even I am not cruel enough to land a little baby with a name that sounds like he should be a builder, LOL.

So anyway the point of all this. Tone and I had a Saturday night off, just the two of us. That hardly EVER happens in our jobs and the last saturday we had off was a disaster (a very huge bust up in Oxford Street ended with him running off with my handbag and leaving me stranded; yes he's an arse but I was also pissed out of my tiny mind and shreeking like a banshee, so 50/50... alright, 60/40). Anyway, anyway: I was well looking forward to THIS saturday, I figured we would go out or something. Earlier in the week I ask where Tone wants to go and he says we're staying in, he's got something special planned. I was uber-pleased, I hadn't even had to ask him or ANYTHING and technically the football is still on isn't it, so I had figured Tone might want to watch that instead. So I make sure I got something nice to wear - you know what I mean - and wait for Saturday night.

So you can guess what a disappointment it was to find out Tone's BIG SURPRISE was a Wii Fit thing. He gets some geezer to deliver it to the flat - knockoff probably - and brings it in, like TA-DA, Saturday evening. He even says he got it FOR ME cos I'm getting a bit tubby round the thighs. CHARMING. When I say I never wanted a bloody computer game, he says, "It's not a computer game, IT'S A LIFESTYLE CHOICE."

OK I should probably have stopped there but he's already told me I"m fat and now he's saying I'm thick or something, so I totally lose it. I start going off on one, saying he never takes me seriously and I helped him build up his business, maybe I should just leave -- in fact maybe I should just leave HIM, he's never gonna give me what I want?? Then says, well what do you want? And I say I wanna get married and have babies and not slide up and down a frigging pole all day. Tone gets well mad and says my job pays well and I don't even slide up and down a frigging pole, it's FRIGGING PEEP SHOW and it's his business and he's proud of it and if I'm so embarrassed by him and the club I SHOULD just leave.

And so now I'm at Mavis'.

Happy Tuesday (sigh).